I Failed I Failed I Failed

April 15th, 2016

Ever since I saw Steins;Gate back in 2011, I’ve always liked how I could relate so easily to the characters and the personal conflicts that take place in the anime. As the years have gone by, that seems to have only been proven more true.

The one scene that has really gotten to me lately is the one where the group read a letter left behind by Suzuha. For those unfamiliar with the show or scene (spoiler), Suzuha is a character in the anime that is sent on a mission to try and change the future. She is sent decades into the past on what the group believed to be a final attempt at saving the world. Due to circumstance she is unable to accomplish her mission and is stuck waiting, having failed, until her timeline catches up with the group to reconvene. However, in waiting she is eventually so overcome with grief that she takes her own life, leaving only a letter behind. A majority of the letter simply being, “I failed” repeated.

I’m probably being over dramatic, but it seems like that scene portrays exactly how I’ve felt this entire past year. It’s just felt like one failure after another. Zero accomplishments, nothing to be proud of and no reason to hold my head up high. More than enough reasons to say that I failed though.

I’ve had nothing but support from my family these past few years. The individual I call my father was the one who pushed me to be ambitious and to apply to this university when I only cared to go to the local college. My mother has watched over me and made sure I was maintaining my health. My sisters have been happy that I was able to go out, to explore and that I was enjoying myself. The university has also supported me. I’ve received financial aid where all that was asked of me in return were good grades and credit hours. I didn’t even have to take a job. I’ve made friends here who have often times made me feel more at home here at the university than I have at my actual home with my family. So much support. And yet, what do I have to show for it? Nothing! Nothing except trash grades and petty excuses.

I’ve had to postpone graduation while those of my class are preparing to walk in May. I currently don’t have an internship or job lined up for the summer. Saying that I’m behind in my classes would probably be one of the greatest understatements of the year. The very least I could have done was make use of what skills I do have and start a personal project or a side-business, but no, not even that.

The thing is though is that what I feel is not regret. If I had to choose a word, it would most likely be guilt. See, when I take a step back from the black box and try to watch what I’ve done, I can’t say that I would change anything – I actually don’t know that I could change anything. My focus has just been shot these past couple years. I’d sit and hear every single word spoken by the professor but would process and retain none of it. My mind tended to be more preoccupied with how I could be spending my time in the student organization that I was involved in. How I could be helping the people I knew there.

Like I said, I have no regrets about it. I made the decision to put my time and efforts into that student organization because that was where I wanted to be, and I’ve received more than I can describe in return for those efforts. However, it’s hard not to feel guilty about all the people I’ve let down in the process. It’s hard not to beat myself up for essentially telling all those who supported me, “thanks, but f you”. And I feel like that’s the way it should be. It obviously should be hard. I’ve made too many mistakes and have wronged too many people to not feel that way. It’s just, I know simply feeling bad will not change anything.

What I really want now is to know how I can best apologize. How I can repay the massive amount of debt that I’ve accumulated so I can be free to be as negligent as I please. The simple answer is to do better.┬áBut if I could switch back into academic mode that easily I wouldn’t be in this position.

One thought on “I Failed I Failed I Failed

  1. I typed this up back in April, but did not publish it until today. I originally didn’t want this to be public as even when I wrote this entry I knew that it would only be a passing feeling and something that I could and would overcome. However, after all that has happened, I feel like making this public will be for the best.

    I’ve said that I wanted this journal to be helpful to others and I know being open about the low points in my life will play a large role in that.

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