Since one of the activities I wanted to document with this journal was my fitness I’m going to first write about why I originally didn’t want to work out and why I finally started.
Fitness was something I didn’t really care about until my senior year in high school. One of my main excuses for resisting working out until then was my short temper. I grew up with a very short fuse and I was always wary of being set off. While I was calm my moral compass was operational, but once I was set off there was no telling what I would do. My fits of rage could mean anything from verbal lashings to those around me to physical thrashings to my surrounding. So to help minimize damage, I controlled what I could do; I made sure I was weak so that I couldn’t actually hurt anyone or anything.
This worked fairly well for me. As someone who was much more interested in computers than sports, and someone who apparently had great metabolism, it wasn’t that hard for me to remain scrawny. And because of my stature and lack of strength, I always felt weak. This forced me to learn to bite my tongue and to walk away from fights simply because I never felt like I could win, no matter who the challenger. Since I decreased the blast radius I was able to worry less about fixing the destruction I caused every time I was set off which allowed me to focus more on lowering the frequency of the explosions. It was such a breakthrough for me. I was always so frightened of the monster that I was becoming with each outburst; I just didn’t want it to continue. The decision to stay small, scrawny and weak was my way of outmaneuvering the monster and taking back some control of my life.
So that became my excuse for many years, even after I got to a point where I couldn’t even remember my last outburst. I lived a comfortable life and contrary to how others interpreted my physical appearance, I felt just fine. I just owed so much to that one decision I made that since I didn’t notice any major health problems, there was just no reason for me to change. So I didn’t, at least not until a more significant reason came along.